Mer’s Blog

Your arrival had brought so much joy and laughters to all your uncles and aunties. While happily chatting how would you little one be, your sudden departure had shocked everyone and left us in speechless tears.

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We could not feel less pain than your parent that hold you so shortly; for you are bonded with us by flesh and blood. We could not feel less pain than your parent to loss you while your arrival have been prepared and celebrated; for we love them as much as we could not bear the pain to flood them.

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We are so certain that you will be reborn in a noble or better realm; for you were taking a short tour to change your destiny as you probably know they are devoted Buddhist. We joy for you not have to experience suffering life that we experienced; for your mental state is so clear and pure. We cried for your parent that love you dearly - for they have to strongly and bravely walk the way out of losing the love one. We still cry, as we share the pain of their loss, and we try to find comfort in the teachings of the Buddha, we hope they do too. It is impossible to divorce ourselves from such pain, but we have to try and carry on with life ahead.

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Time heals all wounds. ALL. Without exception.

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You have taught us invaluable lessons of life in a tough manner. Your presence are to make all of us stronger than ever. You will be forever remembered and loved by your parent and us. We believe your strong parent will, and soon, with help of Dharma, and your blessing, to celebrate the oncoming arrival of your other siblings.

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May all being free from mental and physical suffering. May all be well, happy and peaceful.

We will always love and miss you, dear baby James.

Hail to Dharma teaching that make me realized the phenomena of "impermenance".

Even all negative feelings are as impermenant as positive feelings.. Feelings and thoughts arise and pass.. sometimes good, sometimes bad.. ups and downs, round and round (sound like i am hyming the nursery rhyme "The wheel on the bus"!?! )

I have been complaining about life in last post; however a day later, i was telling people that i am very happy fortunate. These are what i did:

1. Move everything to common storeroom. Take things as it is. I am blessed that i’m sheltered while millions of people are homeless.

2. Get a real good sleep without baby. Get rid of the unneccessary guilt for not to be with her some nights. She need a happy mother to keep her company at days!!

3. Understand that scolding and mistakes, like success and achievement, is just part and parcel of life.

4. Exercise… lift up energy level. however i tend to eat more after a 2KM brisk walk, haha…

Thanks to all my very dear friends - that send me words of courage and concern… I greaty appreciate it and i love all of you so!

I don’t feel like working; i have been entrust to more new task = more mistake and scolding. That made me feel shitty lousy and questioned my own ability.

I feel like running away, back to the small little rented room of my own. There were my paradised. But now, eveything crumbled together in ONE room. A family full of stuff but there is no spare space for us. No store, no study room, no kids room, no private living room. All in a room. No privacy. Breathless…

I don’t have enough rest. My baby doesn’t sleep all the way through the night like others do. As if i am a zombie walking in daylight. And it affect my performance.

I am too busy; so busy till i can’t finished my favourite books in a month. I am losing control of time, of my private space, of my sleep, of my health, of my appetite, of my passion, of my used to be good relations. I am losing my smile and i am not happy at all.

The never beaten lady was unseen for the past few months. Feel like crying all the time. So heady. I am not happy now.

You did not like to be "published" so i guess this is the best way to show you to all my dear friends. Once i regards how silly the song "How do i live" was, yet becoming undeniable fact.

Thanks for open up my chatter box and let me rediscover myself from you. I am no longer quite in front of everyone, at least we have endless topic; thanks for letting me know our view for ourselves is more important than anyone; thanks for boosting up my confidence, thanks for pulling through endless night feed of our little rascal (and little angel) with me - although you were still sound asleep most of the time she cried, haha. 

Enjoy so much snacking with you uncontrollably here and there (you always eat all up and forget to ask me for a bite) and making both of us fat. Thank you for occasionally planned our little trips, as you can’t find another one except me who is more passive than you. Thanks for working very hard for everyone. Thanks for smiles in the days. Thanks for hugs when i’m fiery. Thanks for discussing with me for all the big and small decision (you know you have the ultimate says). Thanks for making me laugh so hard from your joke. Thanks for being filial and treat both our parents nicely. Thanks for your opinions; you just love to talk! Thanks for finished up the morning energy juice i made. Thanks for…

~~~ SERIOUSLY ~~~

Thanks for your warm shoulder that i can lean on no matter how good or "better" time is. Thank you for the trust, love and care rendered. You will received more than what you give - as you probably never realised how deep i love you.

" ……… "

Hello! I am one month old baby Zhuo En. I like to drink milk, sleeping, bathing, and poo-poo… As a cheerful baby, i always smile in my dream. Why only at dream?Being so comfortable inside well protected womb, i was a bit traumatised when i see the world. So polluted!So noisy! Is too bright!So i rather close my eyes and sleep more. Therefore i always love to be cuddle by mommy or daddy, this make me feel safe and protected. I especially love to sleep on daddy’s chest. It’s like a big soft heavenly pillow!

I kinda sleep too much till i worries my mama. It is more than 20 hours affair, sometimes go on without milk! Be steady mama, i am alright and taking my milestones like the others. How do you feel yesterday when you see me cooing to musical mobile hang over my cot for the first time? WOW!!

I mean to the date of delivery. Increasing pain in the tummy and back have prompt me that. However i still haven’t complete shopping to welcome baby’s arrival.

Which milk bottle and pacifier brand is the best? Which peadiatric should i consult after? What should i eat during confinement? Will my midwife do a good job? Shall baby attend this or that courses? What is my priority.. hubby, work or baby? I have to take care of baby myself, how would that affect my life? How to bathe and burp a new born? The more i think, the more fear as well excitement i have. Since i do not have the luxury to have elderly around to help up, very much i have to depend on myself.. I am just uncertain and afraid.

My sister said i’ve gotta be brave because "the boat will headed straight to the harbour" at the end. Partly is our responsiblility to this sentient being that reincarnated to be my child,  partly, i have no choice and worry doesn’t help at all! Haha…

Smile baby, smile. Rest assured you will always blessed and loved. Long before you are born, your grandma, aunties and uncles have bought you many clothes and neccesities.. Your ah mah is taking care of mama well by preparing tonics, so it benefit you too. Your papa, will be your best playmate and guardian. Love you, little precious! Suki hontu.

First Trimester:

That was really alarming! I was still playing badminton, jumping and jogging here and there with my hubby during the first month (nobody will be aware that they are pregnant at this moment). Therefore i literally semi-mobilised for the next two month so that the embryo connected properly with me. As there is a blood clot beside it during the first ultrasound scan. Guess it was because of the exercises.

I am overjoyed during the second ultrasound scan; where there is a tiny little heartbeat shown.. Miraculous! It’s a life!! Wow!!! It’s simply magnificient!!!!

Just a little unprepared that i am going to be a mama soon. Thought of enjoying romantic world with my the other half for at least a year plus or so. However i really think that is great a gift for us to prepare us to parenthood. Perhaps we can retire early then? Haha…

Long afternoon sleep is part of the ritual. Always feeling tired. Never sleep so much before. (sleeping beauty? Keke…)

Second Trimester:

Ok, time for endless vomitting. The smell glend just exaggerate all pleasant and unpleasant smell and make it all unpleasant. Odour of cooking oil in the kitchen, soda in a plate of mee pok, salt and msg in soup make it undrinkable.. I hate "zhi char" especially. This is really unbearable. Entering a restaurant meaning i gotta dash in their toilet and puke. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, whatever i eat came out within 5 minutes. What happened after? Looking pale and sick lor.

My body had become a health indicator; only those blend and tasteless stuff can go in smoothly, or else "QC failed". Haha.. Thanks to the glend, a cup of plain water taste so sweet for me. My family have to wonder what’s going wrong with my tastebud?? So basically i am surviving with plain porridge and fermented tauhu, and i thought that was the gourmet of the world!

Third Trimester:

You look at me, you look at my tummy. It is obvious by now. The benefit of being a pregnant lady is people will "siam" you when you walk in a crowded shopping centre. I did not take public transport by now; but my friend said she never fail to have a seat. What a privilege huh?!

Baby is active and kicking in the day, and sigh, in the night. I have to wake up in the middle of night sleep after a day of work, to let the little precious finished practising martial art. Mixture of fun and sorrow; therefore Merlin become Panda.

Luckily the appetite is back; i am not allergy to any food anymore. Any craving? Not at the moment. Oh yeah, sweet stuff. Any blues? Nope, i guess it is pretty much depend on yourself. People would said emotinal fluctuated during pregnancy, i don’t really agree, it how you handle yourself. It’s your mindset after all. However physical changes is undeniable– weighted tummy, back ache, heartburn after food, cramping, blah blah blah…

Still feeling unbelivable after 5-6 months. Will continue the stories. Anyway, have yet to shop for the cribs, clothes, bed, baby stuff… It could be several blurr trip for me, cos i don’t even like to jalan-jalan or shop for my own clothes… It;s dreadly. Can anyone just set up for me? Haha…

For those who thought i am missing ^_^

Yes you did not see wrongly; i am blessfully married on Jan 2006 and going to be a mum on Dec 2006. No banquet, so no "advertising" !! Save your ang pao for my baby, haha… (Gee, only books and Lego allowed)

Been in Singapore for nearly 3 years, start flying 2004, quitted 2006. Currently settled in office environment. Althought my husband finally found me in Malaysia after his 30 years of life- since as a baby, he claimed; we nestled in SG, together with happy big families!

Others: Done my lasik end 2005, i am seeing the new world with new eyes. I am still the short hair girl that you know! Happier, more contented and more appreciative towards life. Thanks to Buddhism and meditation retreats. (You can go to www.buddhistfellowship.org , http://www.bswa.org/ , http://www.santiforestmonastery.com/about.php  for more information)

Will share again soon. It’s time for dinner.. May all be well and happy…

(Ajahn Brahm)

We have more friends, less communication; More experiences, less sharing;

More life, less time. Just like me now.. so much dedicated to family, husband and work. Even forgot when is the last time i went for a real tea talk with all my beloved friends (from secs, unimates, buddhist soc, kulaians, shequ, etc…)  go and do something that contribute a little to society, went for a real shopping,  as material stuff seems so vain and doesn’t really matter.

Therefore i decide to create a blog here. At least we don’t talk, but still knowing how’s life of our friends, bless and be happy for all.

Start yours, my friend!!!